How open water swimming deconstructed my body image beliefs
How we feel about our bodies is something we still don't talk about as much as we should, and this post only touches the surface of this deep topic. Why this remains unspoken for many is understandable. Social conditioning has been hard at work to keep us living externally using direct and subliminal messaging in all mediums, from generational relationships, media and systemic constructs. Measuring our worth, our value, our beauty by comparison to others, against standards and ideals that are not real is a battle that is hard to fight. This is especially true for younger generations when external validation is a natural phase of development and the predominant meaning in social communication is: “You need to look like this to be of value, to be loved, accepted”. The end result is suffering, carrying shame for how our body looks and shying away from the things we want to live and experience.
Growing up, I went through a thankfully short phase of bulimia. I remember feeling ‘fat and ugly’ in comparison to other girls in my high school. Comfort in food filled the void for the comfort that never came from feeling like I belonged. Being a daughter to a mother who struggled her entire life, always on a mission to lose weight, chasing all and any latest solution to ‘getting the ultimate figure’ , meant that in my formative years how my body looked and compared to the imagined ideal, was a constant, pervasive background to all my endeavours and dreams. So I didn’t join the swim team, I didn’t volunteer for summer camp, I hid under bulky clothes, shied away from being in the band, the speech, the outing, the trip…the list goes on and on. I was not pretty, skinny, beautiful, strong but not too strong, tall, blue eyed, straight haired enough….
I am older now and grateful my life has taken turns that have helped me reframe my beliefs about my body. The open water has played an incredibly powerful role in helping me re-think and change those deeply wired beliefs.
When I first joined my swimming community I was self conscious and embarrassed about my body. I reluctantly took my clothes off, waiting till the last minute and tried hard to make myself as small as possible during what felt like the longest walk to the water. And then I looked up and saw what I now see clearly every time I swim……. As I walk out, into the water I am surrounded by humans, from different walks in life, shapes and sizes, each one unique and perfect in their pursuit of experience. We shed our inhibitions and beliefs on the shore because getting in the water and feeling alive is a practice we now hold as more important. I see smiles, not body shapes. I see empowered choice, not perfect skin. I see aspiring hearts, not waist size. Our shape and size has nothing to do with how magnificent we feel in the water, how we connect as friends, or how we share our stories over coffee afterwards.
Being in the water has taught me that what matters more is how I feel, how my body responds, releases, and holds on to what is around me. It has taught me to tune in and listen to what my body has been trying to say to me for years. It has taught me that a body that allows me to experience being held by the water, the grace of flowing in it, the awe of gliding through it, is a body I should be and am grateful for. Focusing on all the things my body CAN do, makes all the features and descriptions assigned by society pale into insignificance.
Having been graced with connection and friendship in a community of like minded people, whose beauty is deep, powerful, unchained and resistant to definition; has also shown the way for me to open up, share and realise how we all carry the same constructs; needlessly.
I know now that my peers in high school, no matter how ‘beautiful’ they seemed, experienced struggle too. I know now that my mothers journey was more one of search of self worth and love, not that of a perfect body. I know women experience this more often, but men do to. We are all suffering within a construct of our own creation (knowingly and unknowingly), when what we are all looking for is within us- love for who we are.