I go off grid- every swim
I was not raised with a healthy sense of boundaries. The model I grew into as a child was one where ultimate value was placed on being of service, of family above everything, of self sacrifice to meet social expectations and the needs of others. My emotional sovereignty did not exist; and its absence felt a conscious and deliberate part of my culture - my emotions were not as important as other things, they did not matter, along with my voice and opinion.
I did not recognise this until much later in life - that is, that when it came to my emotions I was a living testament of the parable of two fish: Two young fish are asked by an older fish, “How's the water?” and one young fish turns to the other and says, “what the hell is water?” . If emotions were the water, I grew into an adult that not only did not know to recognise and acknowledge my emotions, whatever did come up I learnt to suppress and did so almost automatically. I ‘machineliked’ my way through high school, university, a corporate career and brought these traits in my own family. I did so by continuing to place highest value on being of service, in a very quiet and apologetic way. This meant constant, relentless and anxious internal dialogue as I tried to figure out how to make everyone happy, service the needs of those I loved and be of best service in my work and community. I felt personally responsible for the unhappiness of others, that this was my fault and I needed to work harder at fixing it. Needless to say this was a futile and impossible exercise I nevertheless undertook and in doing so, deprioritised my own boundaries. My own needs and emotional growth took a back seat.
In my 20’s and 30’s this kinda worked. I thought I was doing great. But life happens and some things shook and cracked the walls I built around me. As the light started shining through the cracks, I cried a lot and could only articulate an overwhelming sense of sadness and loss. Resentment and anger came next, at the world, my parents, my own family. I lived with this deep rage and I tried to still push through life only to end up exhausted and burnt out. I guess that was my path as it led me to a rhetorical crossroad - ‘I don’t want to be, live this way’ was a conscious decision I recall making. It wasn't until my 40’s I began to see glimpses of the child that never felt heard, whose voice was muffled, and was able to extend some compassion to her. To recognise that the way she lived, the loss of self she allowed, was not her fault- the same way it wasn't her mother’s, grandmother’s or great grandmother's fault for the way they came to understand life and how to survive in it.
Change came slowly and was a result of the agonising unravelling of values and beliefs I had built my whole self worth and identity around. However, this made space for something new. Space for the incredible possibility that I was worthy, just for being. Not because of the value I offered others, not because of how well I sacrificed myself. But rather my feelings, wants and needs held space and could be seen and heard; with love and compassion.
It is still hard work holding this space. But do you know what helps? Do you know what serendipitously came into my life to help reinforce this new way of being? My water practice. As I come to build healthier boundaries and compassion for myself, the water unreservedly offers both. As my toes touch the water, multiple layers of boundaries start to emerge.
A physical one, taking me off the grid. I literally cannot be contacted by phone, message, email or pigeon. Other people’s urgencies and priorities cannot get to me. Even if I have thought about an obligation or task, there is absolutely nothing I can do about it in the middle of the open water. I have no choice but to let it go and be present.
A more metaphorical boundary where my mind is unplugged and replugged into another matrix. The one million items on my to-do list do not matter. My feelings, concerns and worries, my anxiety, my internal dialogue, they all change. It's like I can feel them through a different lens, one that makes the world feel bigger, better, more loving. Where understanding, reconciliation, compassion, possibilities are boundless, even for myself.
The lessons the water has helped me learn…. If I can get ‘off the grid’ when I am in the water, then I can do it again and in another context, physically, intellectually, emotionally. I can create spaces where I prioritise my wellbeing…..And more powerfully, If the water can hold me in a loving embrace, for who I am with no judgement, then I can do that for myself too. I am deserving, without conditions.
Sometimes when the walls you have built around you start to crack, you need to stare into what is on the other side and just let the water flood in. I am certainly a happier human for it.