Ready to (re) learn
Have you ever had a moment of realisation or a growing sense that what you are doing is not making a difference? Your thinking, behaviour or practice is not only not moving you in the direction you want, but it is actually keeping you stuck.
Life kindly reminded me this week that once again, I was stuck. She was kind enough to remind me twice. Swimming and motherhood were her chosen subjects.
Playing....
I got back into squad training recently in preparation for the summer season events. I expected I needed some catching up on my fitness levels and strength and was prepared to work for that. What I was not expecting was feedback from my coach about my technique. Your kick is off, he said, won’t serve you well when you want pace; followed a couple of sets later by - you are missing too much in your catch, you take too long to initiate the catch. My first thought was ‘ What? My technique is good, I have trained it over a lifetime’. I proceeded to just swim harder. Exhausted, I realised I wasn’t moving any faster. Got home feeling deflated and with an unsettled feeling, which led to little thoughts questioning my mindset -Your body has changed, your strength has changed over the years, it is not possible this has impacted your technique? Swimming predominantly in the open water for six months, without serious training, may have resulted in poor habits creeping in’. It dawned on me that I had allowed my attitude to become knowledge, that I adopted it as a reality. My attitude kept me stuck in a stagnant mindset, when the reality is that my current technique is not optimum. For whatever very good reasons my technique changed, as all things do. But I had stopped working on it. I had taken it for granted. How suboptimal it actually was became evident when I decided to do a 5 day course on the catching technique. I realised there were aspects of my stroke I was no longer considering, aspects that had gotten stroppy. Even more importantly there was new advice on how to improve that I would have never come across if I was not ready to start learning again. I love swimming and this little adventure has made me fall in love all over again. I am looking forward to experimenting with what I have learnt and getting to know the water and my body all over again.
How things change and my being stuck was also loudly announced in my relationship with my youngest daughter this week. In supporting her through her struggles in her young adult journey, I became emotionally overwhelmed and stuck. Stuck in a whirlpool of fear, frustration, guilt and the sense of helplessness. I was caught up in my ‘attitude’ about how to be a good mum, how to guide, protect her and help her pave her future. But it wasn’t working, just like swimming harder didn’t work. In the depths of despair (and many tears) it dawned on me that I was so caught up in my fear and guilt that I was closed. Closed to listening and learning from the very person I was trying to help. What worked in the past, what I ‘thought’ worked for me or was right, was all of a sudden obviously not right for her. My ‘attitude’ was not her knowledge or reality. Realising this made me so curious and keen to understand where she was at, to re-learn how my daughter saw the next stage of her life; and with it I hope to grow with her.
Intellectually I know things change all the time, yet I seem to find myself in a perpetual cycle of surprise about the very same thing - how constant and imperceptible change is. And in this cycle I am still learning all the different ways my mindset keeps me stuck and blind to reality around me. Maybe my next lesson will be how to do this with a little more grace....:)
Pool Swim in solitude